


He's Gone

by citrusella



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Cemetery, Child Death, Detailed Description of Nearing Death, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, Hospice, Lucid Dreaming, Post-Episode s05e29-32 Change Your Mind, Sleep Deprivation, Slow Death, Starvation, Unhappy Ending, Wakes & Funerals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-25
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2019-11-05 14:51:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17920919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/citrusella/pseuds/citrusella
Summary: Steven asks Peridot to get the shirt Connie got for him for his birthday from his closet. He says he wants to look nice. She's confused by his request.Greg and the Maheswarans are less confused and more terrified.He keeps saying it'll be okay.They'llbe okay, even though he'll be going away.It'll just be a couple of days now.Or: Steven and Pink Steven are unable to fuse after being separated on Homeworld. That's not good for Steven.





	1. He's Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> boy howdy am I sorry for _this_ feels trip

Steven Universe hasn't been able to sleep much lately.

He could say it's because a large chunk of his family's far away, their safety and their very sentience up in the air.

He could say it's because of how sick he seems to constantly feel now.

He could say it's because of the constant sense of longing, missing something from his very core that he can't just reenvelop into himself.

But at the moment? It's because his other half never closes his eyes.

It's very hard to sleep when you see _yourself_ from the vantage point of your exact duplicate (new dazzling pink flavor!), sitting at the foot of your bed watching you sleep.

It reminds him of Pearl.

He misses Pearl.

The others too, but right now, his second set of eyes puts his mind on Pearl—she used to sit in the same place and do the same thing.

He labors to turn over and tries for another five minutes to find some way into the world of slumber.

Unfruitful, he cracks open his tired eyes and looks his other half square in the face, uttering a quiet, flat "morning".

It's 12:30 am.

* * *

Dr. Maheswaran has advised that he needs sleep more than ever now. He knows she's actually far more concerned—he heard her speaking to his dad in hushed tones before she took Connie home, and he could _just tell_ —but he doesn't know the details.

Either way, it doesn't exactly make sense that they're sitting outside the closed Big Donut at 1:00 am. Then again, who is he to tell a gem with unbelievable power who has taken to carrying him around while he's too weak to walk on his own what not to do, even if that gem is happy to see him?

The pink him wanders away, and Steven feels even colder than he's been feeling lately. He chalks it up to the cold night because that's the only way he's not going to lose himself to anxiety over… well, everything.

Pink him is rummaging in a trash can. Great.

His other half approaches, allowing Steven to feel a wave of warmth, before plopping a half-eaten tray of the bits—and he's the only one who eats those so it must be the order Dad tried to get him to eat earlier today—down on the table. He feels like he's gonna throw up.

Well, he's felt like he was gonna throw up from the moment he woke up back on Homeworld, but now he feels extra like he's gonna throw up. He pushes the tray away.

Part of Steven—the human part—braces himself for an impending consequence to this from the gem in front of him, but another part—also the human part—knows that his other half would never do anything to hurt him.

_Besides not fusing with me._

_But that's not his fault. My fault? Our fault._

_Is it?_

He should be thinking about this kind of thing in bed, or dreaming about it or something.

But he can't sleep. So he won't.

* * *

He wonders how they did it.

Brought him home, that is. It's not like he doesn't remember, but it's all a jumble until around the time he was halfway home. He knows Peridot had to reprogram the leg ship to accept Bismuth's input instead of his, but past that, it's a blur.

Connie says it was an act of pity—White allowed "Pink Diamond" to take "her" "pet" and "vessel" home.

Later, he overhears her ranting to her mom about something she _doesn't_ tell him, about how she heard White mutter that if they were brought back to Earth maybe they wouldn't stink up Homeworld when they die.

So it was an act of self-interest too.

A self-interested act for a self-interested society, he supposes.

He hopes he gets the chance to change their mind. But…

He looks at his gem half, situated next to him in the van.

That'll have to come later.

* * *

He coughs up blood. That can't be good.

He wonders if Connie's mom knows about that. She rattled off a list of things she found wrong with him when they got back to Earth, but seeing as he'd never been to a doctor _or_ a school, he didn't, doesn't, probably-won't know what half the words she used mean.

It's been a few days now since he last slept, and almost as long since he's eaten. Unless he's supposed to count the Pedia-fy Dad made him choke down yesterday.

It almost came back up.

Connie's supposed to come over today. He knows that'll bring Dr. Maheswaran at the very least—she's taken him on as a house call since she understands the wariness with hospitals considering his… origin—but it'll probably bring Mr. Maheswaran, too. Neither of them have wanted to leave Connie alone lately.

He doesn't blame them.

* * *

Peridot, Lapis, and Bismuth have made themselves increasingly scarce. He thinks—no, he knows—they're scared of what's happening.

He sends a text to Peridot's tablet. He doesn't know if she's even somewhere she can receive it, or if she even has her tablet with her (who is he kidding, of course she does), but he needs all the familiar faces he can get right now.

* * *

Turns out he's allergic to things now.

Okay. He was allergic to things— _flowers_ —before, but now he's allergic to lots of things.

Trying to get him eating something, _anything_ , **_it's been almost a week and he_ should be eating, _darn it_** , Dad and him find out he's allergic to fry bits, ice cream, pizza crust, fish, Chaaaps, peanut butter, and Pedia-fy.

_He wasn't allergic to Pedia-fy **yesterday**_.

He changes his clothes for the first time in five days and they find out he's allergic to something they used to wash the shirt. Or maybe even the shirt itself. They don't actually know.

His other half's almost-complete non-reaction as he writhes with more movement—it itches and it hurts and his breath catches in his throat and even before all that his stomach was turning—than everything he's done since getting back from Homeworld combined is practically insulting.

* * *

Visits with Connie are no fun anymore. He doesn't go, _can't_ go, to her house anymore, so she usually stops by his. When he first got back, he could at least do a puzzle or a board game or mad libs, but now they don't do anything together anymore, because he can't _do_ much of anything anymore. Dr. Maheswaran usually comes with Connie, to give Steven a quick look.

He's covered in hives, because he's allergic to his bedspread. His eyes are more sunken than the last time she checked on him. Every time he blinks, he seems to keep his eyes closed for longer and longer as if trying to get some rest, any rest, but ultimately being unfruitful.

The doctor looks to the foot of the bed. His expressionless doppelganger used to be off-putting, but now he's just… there. Somewhere in his face, she swears she sees a hint of concern, but maybe that's just a feeling she herself wants to express.

Doug and Connie sit on the couch below the loft. Steven and Dr. Maheswaran can't see their nervous expressions.

Greg is pacing outside, because he didn't want to pace inside and cause Steven any distress.

Priyanka asks about the last time he ate. He doesn't answer.

She asks about the last time he slept. He doesn't answer.

She sighs. She wants him to get help, but he really needs an actual hospital, and she can't force them into one if they don't consent to it.

Still. It's been almost two weeks.

On the one hand, she wonders if some aspect of gem-ness is still in him—she knows they don't need to eat or sleep, from what Steven, his dad, and her own daughter have said, and this is far longer than most humans last without either.

On the other hand, she wonders if she should tell Greg and Steven to consider hospice.

* * *

For all their avoidance of hospitals, they embrace hospice faster than anyone thought they would.

It probably helps that Priyanka has a connection in the palliative care department that she can convince not to ask too many questions.

For just awhile, it's… almost nice. They help him play a few games with Connie, manage to have him sleep (if only for 30 minutes, with the help of medication), and get his stomach settled enough to try eating again. Lapis, Bismuth, and Peridot even show up in the house again—Peridot finally wandered into a service area and got his text, not a moment too soon.

But it's a shallow spirit raise, and they all know it. He can't handle much food after so many days without it, and there's little he hasn't developed some sort of allergy to at this point anyhow. He still isn't sleeping enough, even with the help, and that deprivation shows in how long it takes him to even finish simple games with Connie.

Connie doesn't want to care about that; this is the first time she's felt like she's actually been visiting _Steven_ in a week, and it feels so selfish to not want to care, but… the alternative…

Steven looks into her eyes, and though there's a spark deep, _deep_ down, they otherwise look completely and utterly _dead_.

They are _not_ the eyes of Steven Universe, no matter how much she wants them to be. No matter how much _he_ wants them to be.

…She _has_ to care.

* * *

When he says their voices are too muffled for him to hear clearly anymore, everyone except Dr. Maheswaran and Deborah, the hospice nurse, freak out, because they've heard hearing is the last thing to go.

It takes the two over an hour to convince them all that it's probably just a case of the tinnitus and mild hearing loss he's had since his gem was removed taking a quick but still natural progression.

What freaks out Dr. Maheswaran and Deborah (and to a lesser extent, Greg), but none of the others, is when he sleeps 14 hours straight with no help or medicine.

The sleep doesn't even perk him up at all. It's just something that… happens.

What freaks them _all_ out is when he says he talked to Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl.

Deborah firmly believes this to be a delusion, but she also believes it's best for his quality of life to just let him believe it.

Dr. Maheswaran and especially Greg think it could have really happened but don't want to put too much faith in it.

Bismuth, Peridot, Lapis, and Connie are sure it's real.

Connie is the only one who noticed when his gem half's eyes closed about seven hours into his slumber.

Steven says some part of them is still them. He says he couldn't help. He says they… _know_.

He looks at Dad when he says that, and the man wants to turn around and run down the stairs and out the door onto the deck so Steven doesn't have to see him like this, but something about the boy's stare keeps him planted where he's at and compels him not to hold anything back.

* * *

His other half, showing uncharacteristically human awareness, delicately picks him up.

He's trying to fuse.

But it didn't work back on Homeworld so why should it work three and a half weeks later?

* * *

It hurts to breathe now.

There was always a little tickle, a prick of pain, since his gem was removed, but now it _hurts_.

He makes a rattling, gurgling sound when he breathes, too, but that part doesn't hurt, even though everyone around him seems to think it might.

Greg steps onto the deck for the fiftieth time this week.

He calls Andy.

He calls _his parents_.

Andy is out the door before he's even off the phone.

…Greg's parents aren't coming.

* * *

It's four weeks on the dot after he returns from Homeworld that Steven Universe dies.

By all accounts, the funeral is lovely. Well. Lovely as a _funeral_ can be, anyway.

But what comes before it? Anything but.

The moment it happens, Greg falls against the bedside and cradles his son, so young but yet so much older than his years, in his arms. His expression can't be named, _doesn't have_ a name. He doesn't cry, but only because he ran out of tears two days ago.

The gems—save Bismuth, who bows her head and kneels at the event—don't seem to immediately understand what's happened. But once they do… Peridot falls to her knees in despair, but Lapis… Lapis leaves. Nobody has the presence of mind to pay attention to where she might be going.

Connie's eyes rest on Steven for only a moment before looking to his pink counterpart. The stupid thing almost looks like it's frowning, but she knows better than that.

It takes both her parents to hold her back from poofing him with her bare hands.

And it's illogical. She knows they tried fusing back into one being; she _knows_ it didn't work, and she knows it's not his fault, or Steven's fault, or anyone else's fault except White Diamond's for pulling out his stupid gem.

But _nothing about_ what's happening right now is logical.

She wants his gem to be stupid because then she can imagine what it would have been like if maybe he never had it. He'd be alive. But she'd still be under her parents' repressive thumb. Or dead, considering that rock he only stopped from crushing her because of his gem powers.

She eventually loses steam, collapsing into sobs, her parents lowering to wrap their arms around her. Priyanka rubs her daughter's hair, glancing at Steven's body before planting a kiss on Connie's crown, and Doug's eyes meet Greg's—or rather, they _would_ , if Greg wasn't looking _through_ him. They can't—hopefully _never will_ —know how he's feeling.

They hold his funeral in the town's best—the town's _only_ —funeral home. It's a nice affair, considering the event, and it's as not-sad as they can manage, because they figure that's what Steven would have wanted. Steven looks almost healthy—almost as good as he did before he left for Homeworld—wearing the spiffy suit he got on vacation with Dad and Pearl in Empire City, though with the pink button down Connie got him for his birthday in place of the shirt and tie it came with. The whole town comes to see him, even people who barely knew him. But three who knew him very well are conspicuously absent. Two other absences aren't as conspicuous, but _Greg_ knows they're not there.

He doesn't spend any energy being upset about that, though. Not when he's throwing a funeral for a _child_. _His_ child.

He gives a eulogy. He doesn't remember most of it afterwards.

When they go outside, he finds out Lars arranged for Rose's moss to be brought into the sun to flower and float across the landscape right on time for the procession to start.

Steven is taken to the cemetery and lowered into the ground, and none of it feels real.

Cemetery policy says none of the funeral attendees are allowed to stay for the actual burial. Still, Greg comes back practically as soon as he knows it's over.

He's not the only one.

Pink Steven kneels at the gravestone. He didn't come with Greg.

Greg doesn't have the heart to move him. Or the strength, honestly.

Both are silent, the only sound in the cemetery the sound of chirping birds on a day much too beautiful for any of this.

When Greg leaves for the evening, heading to the Maheswarans' because they insisted both he _and_ Andy—and the gems, if they want—stay for the night at least, Pink Steven does not come with Greg.

He stays at the gravestone.

It's all he _can_ do now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to thank [CoreyWW](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW), [realfakedoors](https://archiveofourown.org/users/realfakedoors/pseuds/realfakedoors), [E350tb](https://archiveofourown.org/users/e350tb), and anyone else I might have forgotten who gave my draft a look and any notes.


	2. Missing Scene: It's Over, Isn't It?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look into what Steven sees in the fourteen hours he manages to sleep approximately one week before his death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! I had more!

When Steven opens his eyes, he's filled with an odd sense of serenity, even if his sudden change of setting leaves him more than a little confused.

He was just in his bed, wasn't he?

Now? A warm-tinted meadow surrounds him. The gentle grass feels like a fuzzy pillow underneath him, and he can't shake the idea that he could—he _should_ —stay here forever.

Wherever "here" is.

It feels like Lion's mane, but… that's not right. He can breathe.

Lars' and Lion's trees aren't here, either. There are no trees here.

He pushes himself up to sit and then stand, looking around from a slightly less low-to-the-ground vantage point, and that's when he sees it.

In the hollow his body left in the grass, a tiny sapling.

* * *

It takes Steven longer than he's willing to admit to realize that he's dreaming.

Though given that he hasn't slept in three weeks, it's sensible it's not the first thing he considers.

It's really the tree that he's truly focused on, anyway.

He didn't even feel it when it should have been poking into his back, but there it is, strong and upright, showing no sign of having basically been crushed.

When he looks closer, he realizes it's a holly tree, one of Delmarva's state trees.

He's not sure if that's supposed to mean something.

It's tinged pink, not unlike Lars' or Lion's trees.

Does that mean he's dead?

No, no. Something deep inside him tells him he'd know if he was dead.

Right?

* * *

This isn't Steven's most eventful dream, but something about it feels so real that he's sure he'll remember it once he wakes up.

The air has a smell that he can only describe as a hug from Dad, and he starts to wonder if maybe that's what it smells like inside Lion's mane. Would that make it a hug from Mom?

For all the ups and downs he's had in his perception of Rose, the idea of that being the case still feels incredibly comforting, given what's going on. And realer, somehow more tangible, than the cloud Mom he'd created in Rose's room once upon a time.

He hasn't walked more than a few steps in weeks, but something compels him to start moving forward, first in a slow, metered way, but eventually breaking into a full-on run. He doesn't know where he's going, exactly, but he knows his destination is far away.

He needs to reach it before he wakes up, and though he doesn't know how much time he has, he knows, somehow, that he'll have enough time to get it done.

* * *

Steven doesn't realize some part of him felt like it was still in his loft until that part stops feeling that way.

When it happens, the colors grow brighter, the smells more intense, and somehow, he himself feels stronger. More whole or something.

He's so focused on this change that he doesn't see Lion bound up to him until the large cat nuzzles the side of his head.

Their eyes meet and Steven can't help but note how _real_ it feels. Everything's felt weirdly real here, but this feels _extra_ real. He reaches out to give Lion a scratch under the chin. Lion graciously accepts the affection, leaning into the scratch as if that'll make it better somehow—and from his reaction it seems to be working, so maybe he's onto something.

He plops onto the ground, dangerously close to landing on top of Steven, and that forces a laugh and an exclamation of "Lion!" out of Steven's mouth. Steven hasn't laughed in weeks.

It feels good.

Lion rolls over and sticks out his tongue, and Steven can't help but think that he's going to miss Lion, when he… leaves.

Steven climbs onto Lion's back, hugging his mane tight. For a moment he thinks he might accidentally go inside, but he doesn't. Lion's fur is even warmer and more soothing than everything else here. He revels in the familiar yet new sensation.

He feels Lion rise.

Together they press forward.

* * *

Time feels meaningless here. All he knows is that it's been quite awhile. Lion has run so far that the meadow has faded to black. Lion has run so far that _Lion_ has faded to black. But through none of his own volition, Steven still moves forward.

The air smells different here. Inorganic. Cold. Unloving.

He's arrived.

* * *

He finds Amethyst first.

"Steven!" She almost runs to tackle him into a hug, but his appearance stops her in her tracks. "Whoa, you look like you've pulled like 17 all-nighters."

He chuckles at the joke that has _way_ more truth to it than Amethyst knows. "You're not far off—actually, where are the others?"

"Your guess is as good as mine, dude. You're the only person I've seen in, like… I dunno how long. A really long time." She's trying to hide it, but there's worry in her voice.

"Three weeks."

"What?"

"Three weeks. That's how long it's been." He's solemn.

"Three—geez, dude, if it's been that long, and you look like this… are they letting you sleep? Do they have you locked—ooh, I'm gonna give that dirtwad a piece—"

"Amethyst!" He holds his hands out in a "stop" motion, then clasps them together, fidgeting slightly as he looks down. "I wanna tell you everything, but I wanna tell Garnet and Pearl, too. …It… it's… _important_."

* * *

Compared to the relatively long time it took him to get to Amethyst in the first place, finding the others is almost easy.

Corralling them into one spot is a bit harder.

At first he can't get Pearl to listen to him; she can't switch her focus away from his haggard appearance. It's like Amethyst's concern, except more polite. And on steroids.

When he finds Garnet, she's so surprised that it almost seems that her whole worldview has been challenged. For a second, she looks like she might even split up—if she even can—but she doesn't. She definitely didn't see this coming.

Eventually, though—he's not sure how—he manages to bring them together.

…But he doesn't want to have to break _this_ to them. So he tries to do something else instead.

* * *

He loses count of how many things he tries to come up with to break them out of their bleaching. Fusing. Pushing. Just losing it and shouting "wake up" at them. All of the above. None of the above. None of it does anything.

He's beating his head against the figurative wall trying to do some sort of weird thought possession kind of combo for the tenth time when Amethyst's shouts bring him back to earth. Homeworld. His dream. Whatever.

"Steven. It's okay if this isn't working. You tried, man. You can think about it and try some more later. It's… fine." She looks disappointed, but not in him.

He panics. "No, it's not! I have to get you guys free! There's no time! I can't just… leave you here." He sits down and crosses his legs. If it were possible for Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl to know what Steven looked like in the waking world, they might remark that he looks even worse now in front of them.

Garnet removes her visor as if it might help her predict past the wall her future vision seems to keep running up against.

Pearl utters only a quiet "Steven?"

His frown practically overtakes the space, like an aura of Blue Diamond's but more… organic.

"…You guys should sit down for this."

* * *

The first thing he says is "I'm not on Homeworld anymore."

No one says anything in response to that.

"She let me come back to Earth."

"So… we're all back on Earth?" Pearl's voice is hopeful, and Steven doesn't want to break that. But he can't just lie to her, either.

"No, just me." He sighs. "Or, well, I guess Connie and Bismuth and Lapis and Peridot, too. Just… not you guys. We had to leave you behind."

"Oh." Pearl's brow furrows, and Steven can practically see the gears turning in her mind. "How long?"

Steven squirms. He's afraid she'll freak out.

"…Didn't you say something about three weeks when you showed up?" Pearl's eyes bug out at Amethyst's estimate; she can't imagine being trapped a star system or more away from Steven for a few days, let alone _three weeks_.

"No, no. That's… absurd." There's an odd levity, an almost laughter, in Pearl's assertion.

"But it's true."

"But how can that _possibly_ be true? How could _that_ much time have passed? How long is White planning to keep us this way?" Her voice is frenzied, searching for logic where there is none.

Steven's expression—one not unlike the face he wore when he discovered Rose had been Pink—betrays that he doesn't know the answer to any of these questions.

Garnet eyes him closely and opens her mouth. It's the first thing she's said since they've all been brought together. It's not a statement she makes based on some vision she's had; it's based entirely on the emotions wrought across Steven's face.

"There's something you don't want to tell us."

* * *

He leaves out the minute details he thinks would only serve to make them upset—things like how Garnet and Amethyst grabbed him, or how Pearl fought Connie and placed her hand across her mouth to silence her.

But he tells them the relevant facts.

After they were bleached, White tried to convince him he was supposed to be Pink.

Amethyst tenses.

She picked him up and held him in her hand.

Garnet's lips purse. Her eyes are protective.

She pulled out his gem.

Pearl pales, quite a feat considering her default complexion.

Everyone wants to say something, to react to a deed so vile, and in fact, they all separately seem to try to formulate some sort of reply before backing off, but they're rendered speechless as Steven continues.

His gem reformed.

It looked like him. But it didn't act like him. It lacked depth, humanity. And it was _powerful_.

If they were sitting on something other than a black void, they'd be on the edge of their seats.

He and his gem tried to fuse to come back together. But they couldn't.

Bismuth, Peridot, and Lapis brought him, his gem, and Connie home.

"…And now…" Steven clears his throat. This isn't something he thought he'd have to tell them. This isn't something he _wants_ to have to tell them. He gives a firm exhale before finishing. "…I'm dying."

No one has anything to say to a statement so shocking.

Garnet looks guilty, because she didn't see this coming.

Amethyst looks guilty, because she couldn't protect him.

Pearl looks especially guilty. Because once upon a time, she hid from him that his mother was Pink Diamond. Once upon a time, wished that Rose could be there instead of him. Once upon a time, thought of pulling out his gem herself.

They all look broken.

"No." Pearl is terse.

Steven frowns, but Pearl continues before he can reply.

"If you were dying, you wouldn't be here. You'd be out there. You'd be trying to live." As her eyes well up, she knows, truly, that even in his dying moments, Steven would be doing whatever he could to help others, even if that means something like coming all the way back to Homeworld, literally or figuratively, just to free them. Still, some part of her wants so _badly_ for this to be the time Steven focuses on _himself_ for a change, even if it would spell certain doom for the three of them.

The coming silence fits the featureless expanse they're in.

"I…" He doesn't know that he can say he tried. Maybe he could have tried harder to eat. Or sleep. Would that have put it off at all? He doesn't know. "I wish I could say there was anything left to try."

The gems would be taken aback if the biggest bombshell hadn't already been dropped on them.

"I haven't gotten any sleep for three weeks. I… barely ate anything that whole time." He chokes back his own tears, because this is too important for him to be getting incoherent. "Practically everything I try to eat or touch now makes me break out, or get sick, or swell up, or—" Well, he can't hold it off forever. The tears, at least, obscure the tortured faces of his once-ever-present family.

"I can't have fun with Connie anymore. I can't help Dad with stuff—I can't even make him feel better about all of this. I can't… save you guys." He sobs and only vaguely notices when Garnet picks him up and places him on her lap.

Amethyst and Pearl move close, enveloping Steven in a feeling he was only vaguely aware he was missing.

* * *

He doesn't know how long they've been lying around talking—loving— _remembering_ —when he sees her.

She stands next to the tallest—and quite frankly, _pinkest_ —hibiscus shrub he's ever seen. It must stand teen feet or more. Beside it is the little holly sapling. …It's taller than it was before.

"Yo. Steven. Whatcha lookin' at, dude?"

He turns his head toward Amethyst sitting next to him, looking in the direction he'd last had his gaze pointed.

They don't see her. He doesn't want to tell them, because whatever questions they'd have about _this_ , he _doesn't_ have answers.

He looks back toward her. Her eyes are expectant, vivid, kind. Her white dress practically glows. But yet, as ethereal as she looks, as much as he's _sure_ it can't really be her, she feels so real, as real as Garnet or Amethyst or Pearl, and he's certain _they're_ real.

She's waiting for him to come with her, but it doesn't seem like she'd be upset if he took his time, either.

He sits up, his gaze into her face—or, to the gems, into empty space—never faltering. "…I think I'm supposed to wake up now, guys." His voice is distant, as if, separate from his own will, it's already started to walk over to her.

The gems look to each other in uncertainty, then back to him, but they nod in acknowledgement.

"Try not to die until we get there to say goodbye, Ste-man." Her voice breaks as she pulls him into a hug, but she doesn't turn away when the tears start falling.

Pearl, kneeling next to Steven, follows Amethyst's lead. "We'll find a way back, we promise." She was crying before she ever started hugging him.

Garnet, eyes soft, picks him up almost before Pearl has let go. She hugs him so tightly it seems like she might never stop, like she wishes she could actively keep him here though she knows it will do nothing to change the future. "We love you."

* * *

The moment he opens his eyes, exhaustion, starvation, and pain hit him like a freight train. Dr. Maheswaran and the nurse from the hospice unit are practically on top of him, taking notes and asking questions he's too tired to answer for now, even after an apparent 14 hours' sleep. Dad and Connie are at the foot of his bed, the card game they'd previously been trying to keep their minds on completely forgotten, relief washed across both their faces.

Everything's still awful. He's still dying.

But he feels… better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have one more idea to tie up this fic in a nice little bow!


	3. Epilogue: Love Like You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connie and Pink Steven have a heart-to-heart at the grave of the person they're both missing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! Bet you thought you'd seen the last of me!

Connie and Dad climb into the car.

It's time for their almost-weekly trip to see Steven.

As her father turns on the ignition and backs the car up, the radio blares to life, the end of a song playing as the announcer cuts back in.

" _Yes, it's the Riana Venti hour! That was 'I Got One Less', and now we're following it up with 'Ain't Got No Tears'—stay tuned to WCBK for all the hot tunes of today, yesterday, and tomorrow!"_

_"Right now, I'm in—"_

Connie's never made it a point to listen to that song, but considering it plays practically everywhere, it's not like she doesn't know it through osmosis, either. But it's a weird thing to hear right now, considering where they're going. Relevant, maybe? Depressing? Ironic? She's not sure. She rubs the back of her thumb.

Dad notices.

_"So, I'm pickin' it up—"_

"Hey, sweetie," he looks to his daughter, his voice gentle, "you really wanna listen to this?"

_"Ain't got no tears in my body, I ran out, but boy, I like it—"_

"No." Connie inhales. "It's fine."

"You sure? I can always turn it off."

She considers it for a moment, then shakes her head. "No, I think the music's… good for me—us—or something. Even if it's awkwardly thematic."

Dad pulls his hand away from its place hovering over the tuning dial and returns it to the wheel. "Alright."

* * *

When the car stops, Connie makes a beeline for the now-familiar headstone.

Sometimes, Dad comes with her, but this time, he hangs back by the car.

As she approaches, she takes note of the things that are still there from last time as well as what's new. He would have turned fifteen a few days ago, so there's a lot new: a few notes and a Fry Bit bag weighed down by small rocks, new flowers clearly left by Mr. Universe, some sort of metallic art piece Peridot must have made, a couple things she knows Steven had been wanting for his birthday, various personal effects she doesn't know the story behind but yet knows must have reminded the people who left them behind of Steven. Everything looks neatly placed and completely undamaged, which strikes Connie as weird considering it rained pretty hard for two days straight after Steven's birthday.

Just a foot or so from the veritable pile of things, stuff she imagines Mr. Universe or someone will have to collect from the grave before too long, is Steven himself.

Well… _Pink_ Steven. As far as she can tell, he hasn't moved since the funeral; he sits covered in four weeks of the elements like a pine taking root next to a totem pole.

She left her anger behind a long time ago, but seeing him now is still weird. It's _not him_ , but a part of her brain can't fight seeing it as if it's supposed to be some sort of contact from the great beyond, like a hologram of Princess Leia begging for help.

But she's no Obi-Wan, and she's certainly not his only hope. Not now.

She breathes a level breath out. No point mulling too hard over it; he's been here so long that he's a fixture, practically a second headstone.

For the first time, she decides to try to make some sort of conversation.

"…Nice day, isn't it?"

No response.

"Anything… new?"

Silence.

"Don't you—you've been here for weeks. Isn't there someplace else you can go?" She's trying not to sound annoyed, but something peeks through anyway. Pink Steven notices.

His hand rises up. It reaches out to the writing inscribed on the headstone.

_Steven Quartz Universe  
August 15, 2000 - July 23, 2015_

_If I could begin to be_  
_half of what you think of me,_  
_I could do about anything,_  
_I could even learn how to_  
_love like you._

The index finger points at one specific word.

_Half._

It's Connie's turn to have nothing to say. She frowns, her brow furrowing as she kneels beside him.

She tries to focus on the words printed on the headstone in front of her, to dredge up any answer to the clear message the hard light ghost in front of her has sent, but she finds her vision blurring as her mind looks back instead.

Steven was dead. Pink Steven was not. His face was wrought with as much emotion as he could muster. But Connie hadn't cared.

Steven was dying. Pink Steven was not. His concern came through gestures, the things he did to try to fix it, or help. But Connie hadn't wanted to focus on it.

Steven was sick. Pink Steven was not. His worry showed in the proximity he kept to his human twin. But Connie hadn't noticed.

Steven was weak. Pink Steven was not. His determination was clear in his purposeful movements, his attempts to rejoin with his other half, his willingness to shout down an intergalactic dictator that must have been 50 times his size.

But Connie hadn't known what was coming.

She's thrust back to the cemetery, her hand unconsciously tightening against the grassy ground beneath her. She wipes away a tear she was too in her own head to notice.

Clearing her throat, she asks, "You… you really miss him, don't you?"

Pink Steven's eyes search the headstone for something he might be able to point at instead of speaking, but they come up empty.

"…Yes."

Connie's breath catches in her throat at the unexpected utterance. It sounds _so much_ like Steven, but there's an ethereal quality to it that stresses that it's still not-quite-human, not-quite-of-this-world. She turns to eye his face, but his lips already seem fused shut again.

She wants to say something more—"he was your other half, of course you miss him", "me too", or… "I'm sorry"—but nothing finds its way from her brain to her mouth. Luckily, a Pink Steven suddenly on the defense makes it somewhat more sensible for her to go speechless. A bird moves to land on the headstone, but the full-half-gem in front of her doesn't let that happen, raising a polygonal shield in a flash to cut it off from its intended target.

Connie, eyes wide, scoots back a little, taking in the scene through the now-pinkish light filtering down through the shield. The bird, only slightly fazed as if it's grown used to this, lands on the shield and pecks at it a few times.

For some reason, that makes Connie relax, and she scoots closer to the gem's raised arm.

"P— S-Steven. It's okay. It's just a bird. It won't hurt you. It… won't hurt… _him_." Her voice is quiet as she looks to the grave and the safe-and-sound items at its base, understanding dawning as to how they must have stayed that way through the rain and all. "It just wants to hang out with you for a little while. Maybe smell the flowers."

Pink Steven turns to look into Connie's eyes, an expression passing for cautious understanding flickering across his unmoving features. He lets the shield dissipate. The bird flits in the air for a moment but decides to go for its original destination, landing smack in the middle of the stone. Pink Steven studies it for a moment, gears turning somewhere deep in his form.

His eyes fall to the death date etched into the tombstone. He almost seems to grimace at the sight of it.

"I want him back."

"Y—You're not alone. I… I wish there was some…" As a singular thought appears in her mind, her eyes narrow as her hand flies to her chin. She looks up to the sky, having no idea whether she's looking in the direction of her ideas' intended target. She glances back toward the car, noticing Mr. Universe has parked his van beside it and seems to be talking at length with her dad. Lars is arriving on the back of Fluorite with a few of the other Off Colors to visit while Lapis and Peridot fly Bismuth in from the other direction.

She gulps, hoping that after everything that's happened, her parents aren't completely soured on the idea of what she's about to suggest to the remnants of her dead friend.

She stands, reaching out a hand. "How would you like to face White Diamond, again? And maybe get Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl back?"

Pink Steven, making his best attempt to put on a determined smile, takes it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, all good things must come to an end. But often when you think you're at the end of something, you're at the beginning of something else... (-Fred Rogers)
> 
> The fic may have ended but I feel like it hints to a hopeful conclusion, even if I probably won't write it.


End file.
